Convicted felon President Donald J. Trump has been stumping for Republican candidates ahead of the midterm elections, and many people have been shocked by some of his speeches.

Trump continually waxes poetic about how handsome some men are, noticing their rear ends, feet, hands, jawlines, calves, thighs, and crotches.

“Look at him,” Trump exclaimed, pointing to Ohio Sen. John Husted, who stood beside him on stage. “What an ass on that man. John, you’ve got a beautiful butt, you know that? It’s so tight and muscular. Fabulous cheeks. Um, um, um.” Trump shakes his head. “Whew! John’s the total package. Let me tell you, I wouldn’t mind seeing him in the showers. I’d tap that all day long.”

The 80-year-old adjudicated rapist (of a woman!) has also remarked on the attractiveness of military men.

“These men have such beautiful faces,” he said, inspecting the troops. “Look at their jawlines. Those bright eyes. I could get lost in those eyes. The men are perfect. They look like they’re from central casting. And what about those muscular bodies? I love how they fill out those snug uniforms.”

The president, his face caked with makeup, stepped back, looked the men up and down, and whistled. “We love a man in uniform, don’t we? Yes, we do. We love them so much. Look at those tight pants. I want to see these guys standing at attention; I can tell you that.” He smiled and looked at his secretary of defense. “Pete Hegseth, you can’t keep these boys all to yourself.” He laughed.

These types of risque comments have been going on for weeks, and concerned aides have called a tactical strike force of religious leaders to “pray the gay away” so the leader of the free world can continue doing his macho man acts like dancing to YMCA as he simulates masturbating two men, and gushing about home decor.

There has been no word on whether the prayer session was successful, but one religious zealot is doubtful.

“He may be too far gone,” he says, shaking his head. “Not that there’s anything wrong with that.”

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The man in charge of our troops wants to see more of his men.

“We’ve got to be sure we have lethal fighters,” Defense Sec. Pete Hegseth, who has a makeup room in the Pentagon, tells The Lint Screen. “And that means warriors who have so much testerone surging through their bodies that they get morning wood every day. I’m talking about muscular men sportin’ stiff poles you could hang thick Turkish towels on.”

Effective immediately, Hegseth will begin touring the armed services barracks first thing in the morning to check on his men.

“I’m going on boner patrol,” Hegseth says. “I want to see what’s up with my guys, and if a soldier can’t pass my close inspection, I’ll put him on a steady diet of testerone. I want all my men flying at full mast, being stiff as boards, morning, noon, and night,” the guy with a full face of makeup says, licking his lips as he rubs his palms together.

Hegseth says later today he plans to work out with the Sec. of Health and Human Services
Robert F. Kennedy, Jr.

“Bobby and I like to wear super tight jeans and take off our shirts,” Hegseth says. “Then we oil each other’s torsos slick as eels and do some chin-ups, so we’re good and pumped when ripped Kid Rock comes over to join us. We’re the gold standard examples of how to be a man in Trump’s America.“

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Pete Hegseth is on a roll. He’s fired twenty qualified, decorated generals, purged our military ranks of minority honor recognition, and now he’s ready to pump U.S. military members full of testosterone and God.

“Some people say drones are the future of warfare,” Hegseth tells The Lint Screen. “But I say, ‘Bullcrap.’ Flying contraptions are no match for spiritual warriors pumped full of testosterone. I’ve killed our drone program because that’s a chicken way to engage in battle. We’re building a fighting force like something you see in movies. Push-up and chin-up machines, raging with manly hormones, not a bunch of sissy unmanned drones dropping bombs. That’s a chicken way of fighting in my book. I say, ‘Grab a Bible, get a full load of mighty T, and let’s rumble.’”

Hegseth, previously fired from two nonprofit veteran organizations for financial mismanagement and leadership turmoil, now heads one of the world’s largest military forces, comprising 1.3 million active-duty personnel and 800,000 reservists and National Guard members. Because he is inept and commands no respect, the frightened tyrant does not allow real journalists to cover the Pentagon. 

Yet his boss, Donald J. Trump, thinks he is doing “A fantastic job—hell, we’ve won the Iran war 36 times already, and the Strait of Hormuz is wide open.”

“I’m building the greatest fighting force in history,” Hegseth crows. “And we’re going to need a heck of a lot of testosterone to do it. Fortunately, I found a terrific T-supplier: TRUMP TESTOSTERONE, led by a brilliant businessman named Don Jr.”

Hegseth smiles and says, “I’m killing it, man.”

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Donald J. Trump, who insisted on taking his personal jumbo jet, gifted to him by Qatar, to a NATO Summit in Turkey, couldn’t take it back to the U.S. because the aircraft wasn’t secure––even after spending $1 billion in taxpayer money to recondition it. Instead, he would take the old, reliable Air Force One. Then things got hinky.

Security forces learned the Iranians were planning to assassinate Trump. The brave Commander-in-Chief, who claims to have destroyed Iran and won the war 416 times, boarded Air Force One but was then hidden in a catering cart, removed from the aircraft, and loaded onto another plane.

“I wanted to give my Cabinet members like Stephen Miller and ‘lil Marco Rubio the opportunity to become martyrs if the Iranians blew the plane out of the sky,” Trump tells The Lint Screen. “I’m such a commanding leader that I get all the attention, and these guys don’t get much of the spotlight. Had they died, the world would view them as heroes. Martyrs who died in Trump’s honor. It would help my poll numbers, which are the highest ever recorded. People love me.”

When asked about the other 100 people on board the aircraft, Trump waved his hand dismissively.

“Most of them were from the fake news media,” Trump said, smiling. “No big loss there. Just a little collateral damage. “

Asked if he would have felt any guilt or remorse about using the plane as a decoy if tragedy had struck, Trump laughs.

“Hell no. Why would I?” The heroic man chuckles. “Suckers die every day. Life goes on. Besides, they died for Trump, and what more glorious way to go is there than that?”

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.